The Princess and the Pirate
by madame.alexandra
Summary: Leia's watching the Galaxy Far, Far Away equivalent of Lifetime, Television for Women - and I'm making fun of the Courtship of Princess Leia. H/L married-ness.


_a/n: already published on A03 and tumblr; merely having fun here, too._

* * *

 ** _"The Princess and the Pirate!"_**

* * *

Han didn't know what woke him up in the middle of the night, but in an effort not to think too much into it and thus be unable to go back to sleep, he rolled over and reached for Leia, intent on burying his face in her hair and falling right back into a nice, wholesome rest. His grasp, however, was futile, as he found the place next to him was empty.

He blinked at the vacant spot, and then rested his hand first on the pillow and then on the sheets – cool, so she'd been gone for a while. He glanced over at the chronometer on the wall – too early for her to be up for work. Frowning, he sat up, checking to see if the 'fresher light was on, and as it wasn't, he got up and pulled on a pair of sweatpants, rubbing his jaw as he left the bedroom in search of her.

He didn't have to look hard; he heard the low murmur of the holovision as soon as he stepped into the hall, and he saw the glow of it as he made his way into the living room.

He stood in the doorway for a moment – she was curled up on the couch, hands tucked under her head, feet covered in a knitted blanket, intently focused on whatever she was watching – a film, he figured.

He cleared his throat and, when she glanced over at him, raised his brows.

She smiled half-heartedly, and turned back to the film.

"I can't sleep," she murmured.

He came into the room quietly, standing at the edge of the sofa.

"Late night movies isn't your usual style," he noted.

She shrugged.

"I didn't want to wake you up."

He made a dismissive noise, and then leaned over and tapped her feet. She lifted them, and he sat down on the couch with her, settling her feet in his lap and starting to run his hands in a lazy, soft massage over her legs.

Leia sighed softly and glued her eyes back to the screen. Han tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling, his eyes heavy. He could easily fall asleep right here. In fact, he just might, since she seemed fine, she seemed –

 _"Oh, Han, no one wants us to be together!"_

Han's head napped up in confusion, and he looked around, staring at Leia – that hadn't sounded like her at all, and yet –

"What?" he asked, taken aback.

Leia didn't look at him, but she moved her head off her hand a little and pointed at the screen.

"It was that Leia," she told him, yawning slightly.

Han stared at her, confused, and then slowly turned to scrutinize the screen. He narrowed his eyes, really focusing, and realized he was staring at…himself. Or rather, a glamorous, windswept, definitely-wearing-make-up version of himself – and next to holo-Han, was a holo-version of Leia, who happened to be at least three inches taller than the Leia next to him and was wearing a white dress that was more low cut than anything Han had ever seen on the real Princess.

"What the hell is this?" Han asked.

Leia nudged his hand with her foot, silently asking him to keep massaging.

"It's one of those ridiculous female channel movies," she murmured. "You know, the ones they churn out left and right."

"About us?" Han asked, skeptical and horrified.

Leia nodded, her lips turning up.

"It's called _The Princess and the Pirate_."

Han, for once in his life speechless for a moment, could think of nothing useful to say other than –

"I wasn't a pirate, I was a smuggler."

Leia lifted her head and gave him a bemused look.

"Pirates loot and pillage," Han told her seriously. "I got paid to transport things."

Leia giggled softly, and laid her head back down. Han turned his eyes back to the screen warily, watching for a moment, his hands wrapped loosely around Leia's ankles.

Holo-Han was holding Holo-Leia very dramatically. There also seemed to be a lot of mysterious wind, considering the setting of the scene was inside of a blasted ship. Han arched his eyebrows.

"Is this a dirty flick?" he asked.

Leia shivered a little.

"Gods, no," she demurred. She'd heard there were one or two out there – but she'd never go looking for one, and she only knew about them because one was apparently cast so well, Mon Mothma had pulled her aside and quietly asked her if there was any chance it was her. Leia still hadn't recovered from that conversation - not only was it awkward to discuss her sex life with the Chief of State, it was doubly embarrassing to be asked if she had at some point released a sex tape.

 _"I won't let anything come between us, Leia. I'll fight for you."_

Han cringed.

"You've got to be kidding me," he grumbled.

"I think he sounds just like you," Leia teased.

He shot her a glare, and she nodded seriously.

"Better looking, too."

He pinched her ankle, and she laughed, yanking her foot away, and then shoving it back at him playfully.

"You're up in the middle of the night watching this bantha – "

"I like this one," Leia interrupted smoothly.

"You've seen it before?" Han asked incredulously.

Leia shrugged – she'd watched it the last time she couldn't sleep in the middle of the night, though Han hadn't caught her that time. It amused her. And a very small, innocent part of her, still left despite all the bad in the past years, and still hiding in the back of her mind, liked the idea that people thought her life was an epic love story.

"Holo-Han is so gallant to Holo-Me," Leia murmured blithely. "Why aren't you as dashing as Holo-Han?"

Han shot an outraged look at the screen, where Holo-Han was now kneeling, professing his devotion, swearing to be…beheaded or…burned at the stake for her … or something –

 _"They'll do everything to tear us apart, Han!"_

 _"It doesn't matter. Princess – hey,"_ Holo-Han was standing up now, sweeping Leia in his arms and bending her back, like the cover of a seedy smut novel: _"I'm with you. Always."_

Han stared at the screen blankly for a full minute, and then turned to Leia with such a withering, long-suffering look that she burst into quiet laughter, turning onto her back and looking at him affectionately.

"What happens at the end of this movie?" he asked dryly.

"Oh," Leia sighed dramatically. "Well, Mon Mothma tries to marry me to a foreign Prince, but you kidnap me and smuggle me away to some distant planet, and tell me if I fall in love with you all over again, I have to marry you instead."

"I kidnap you?"

Leia nodded solemnly. Han stared at her dubiously, and she continued –

"And I do and then we get married."

He blinked incredulously.

"You marry me after I kidnap you?" he asked.

Leia laughed quietly again.

"Whoever wrote this doesn't know you very well," Han muttered – technically, the only place he'd ever taken Leia against her will was to the _Falcon_ when he'd forced her to evacuate Hoth, but if he ever up and kidnapped her he was pretty sure she'd murder him.

Leia sat up, considering the scene on the holo again – it was fading to black. Han gave it a scowl.

"Are we gonna go have sex now?" he asked.

Leia lifted her brows and gestured between herself and Han.

"'We' us or 'we' holo Han and Leia?" she quipped. She smirked. "Not them," she said, pointing at the screen. "In this movie, I'm a virgin on my wedding night."

Han laughed loudly.

Leia looked at him primly.

"I try to sleep with you, but you very gallantly refuse to take my virtue until we're married. There's a fade-to-black on the wedding night and then we just hear Holo-Leia squeal."

Han almost choked on his tongue.

"In what world, Sweetheart," he drawled. "In what world would I turn you down?"

Leia pointed matter-of-factly at the screen, where a new scene was opening, and Han scowled again, rolling his eyes. He wrapped his arm around her feet, lifted them, and placed them on the couch, shifting so he could crawl over her until his face was hovering inches from hers.

"Why do you like this junk?" he demanded under his breath.

She brushed her fingers over his jaw.

"Because it's stupid," she said, "and I don't have to think," she smiled, "and it makes me laugh."

Han leaned forward to kiss her, and then pulled back, curious.

"Hey, you think people really expected you didn't sleep with me until the wedding?" he asked, intrigued.

Leia laughed. She compressed her lips, smirked, and shrugged.

"You should tell them you were trapped on the _Falcon_ with me for _barely_ a minute and I turned around and you were just _in my bed,_ demanding my attention -"

Leia rolled her eyes.

"That's not how I remember it," she snorted.

"C'mon," Han drawled. "No one thinks you resisted me until the wedding."

Leia laughed.

"Maybe Jan Dodonna," she teased. She bit her lip. "I think Jan tells himself on a daily basis I'm still a virgin."

"We've been married three years."

Leia shrugged.

"He's a delicate old man," she sighed solemnly. "It's going to be a very terrible shock for him if I ever have a baby."

Han smirked wickedly.

"Yeah," he agreed smugly, "'cause it'll be a little _Solo."_

Leia shrugged.

"I don't know Han, it might be that guy's," she said innocently, gesturing to Holo-Han, who was now back on screen piloting a ship while Holo-Leia sat in his lap – as if he could fly a ship with a full-grown woman in his lap – much too distracting –

Han scowled, and leaned down to kiss her, seducing her attention away from the film – which only served to remind her that there was really no need for dramatized tales of romance on the holos, because she had the real thing.

* * *

 _this is my middle finger, Courtship of Princess Leia._

 _-alexandra_

 _story #327_


End file.
